Projection: We All Do It and Why That Matters In Parenting

You’re tired, tapped-out, or running on fumes...and your child starts whining. Suddenly, you hear yourself say, “You’re being so dramatic,” when the truth is you’re overwhelmed and barely hanging on.

That’s projection.

Projection is a psychological defense mechanism in which we unconsciously attribute our own unwanted thoughts, feelings, or traits onto someone else. Instead of acknowledging what’s happening inside of us, we place those uncomfortable emotions onto others, often the people closest to us. And for parents, that often means our kids.

If you’re emotionally aware (and you likely are if you’re reading this), you may have already started to notice when projection creeps in. Becoming conscious of it is the first step to breaking the cycle.

Common Examples of Projection:

A friend who’s insecure about her body sees someone in a revealing outfit. “Ugh, look at what she’s wearing. I can’t believe people go out of the house like that.” Rather than admit her own discomfort, she projects it onto someone else.
A co-worker who is hard to work with complains about another employee. “Dave is so full of it. He thinks he knows everything.” In truth, she shares those same traits and is unknowingly speaking about herself.

In Parenting, Projection Might Sound Like:

"You’re making me so angry!" when really, you're already dysregulated and your child is simply being a child.
"Why are you so needy today?" when what you actually need is rest, space, or support.
Children are often the mirror. They reflect back the parts of us that still need tending, healing, or understanding.

When Projection Becomes Chronic:

Sometimes projection runs so deep that it distorts reality. Here’s a real-world example:

A husband, John, accuses his wife, Katie, of cheating. He grills her about a coworker, questions her when she gets home late, and constantly demands reassurance. Katie, confused and heartbroken, has done nothing to provoke this suspicion. Over time, she learns John was the one having an affair. What happened? John was overwhelmed by guilt, shame, and fear, feelings too painful to face directly. So, he projects them onto Katie.

How to Recognize When Someone is Projecting onto You:

The accusation feels out of nowhere or exaggerated. They tell you how you feel or what your intentions are. They’re not listening, almost like they’re talking to themselves.

What to Do When Someone Projects:

Stay grounded in what you know to be true about yourself. Don’t argue the projection directly. Saying, “You’re projecting!” only triggers defensiveness. Reflect: Is there a small truth in it? If yes, tend to it. If not, release it.

As a Parent, Here’s Why This Matters:

When we become aware of our projections, we stop placing the emotional weight of our inner struggles on our children. Instead, we model emotional maturity. We show them what it looks like to pause, reflect, and take ownership of our experience. And that, more than any parenting technique, creates safety. It teaches them that emotions are not something to be feared or avoided, but signals to be listened to. It teaches them that love doesn't mean perfection, but presence. You won’t catch yourself every time. But when you do, that moment of recognition is powerful. It’s the start of something different. Not just for you. For your child, too.