How to Deeply Connect With Your Child (And What That Even Means)
When parents hear me speak of connecting with their kids, they assume that I mean hugging them, kissing them, or having deep conversations with them. While those can be aspects of connection, they are just the obvious.
The connection that I'm talking about is something more complex and nuanced, and it has nothing to do with the child. It has everything to do with the parent's ability to enter into awareness of themselves, and the energetic attunement of who they are.
In this space, no words are needed. The child can simply experience whatever they are experiencing, without the parent imposing anything on them. The parent is able to simply receive the child as the child is–in whatever state the child is in. The parent is in full awareness of their own agendas, their own judgements and projections, yet are fully attuned to the worth and wholeness of the child. Now, this is true connection.
Fulfilling our inner needs through other people
In all relationships this happens… we are disconnected from our own inner self and someone attempts to connect with us. Because we aren’t fully connected with ourselves, we think that real connection is another person fulfilling our inner needs. This is called a transactional relationship. We are not whole within ourselves, so we attract others to simply fill the lack and the void we feel inside, attempting to create the wholeness. This is often the reason why we become parents–we are desperately attempting to get our needs met from our child.
Connecting with ourselves first
For a truly healthy and harmonious relationship, we must do our own inner work on ourselves in order to enter complete wholeness. To be able to closely relate, we must deeply know ourselves and experience our relationship with nature. Why nature? Because nature is the essence of our true self. Nature is the way of the natural world, of which we are also a part of.
To truly be intimate with the world, we first have to be intimate with our own heart, our own mind, our own soul, our own physical body, and nature around us. We can only truly connect with others after we have fully connected to ourselves. Real intimacy requires a journey of introspection–time alone to discover who it is we truly are.
Why it can be hard to connect with ourselves and others from a space of truth
Often in relationships with our children or other loved ones, we have so much buried rejection, betrayal, abandonment issues, and/or anger that prevent us from experiencing connection from a space of truth. When we have feelings under the surface, there are two things we can do.
One: Keep burying our true feelings and be in shallow relationships. We continue in the relationship because we’re not courageous enough to speak the truth or not courageous enough to have the other receive our truth.
Two: Be honest. We can declare what our truth is; the honest facts about our authentic state. It's difficult to reveal the hard feelings such as, “I'm resentful”, “I am angry”, or “I'm holding on to a sense of abandonment, and I don’t trust you”. It's hard to reveal that to loved ones. But if we aren't honest or transparent, it becomes a toxic relationship. It becomes a dysfunctional relationship where it’s too hard to tell the truth, so we end up not being truthful to ourselves and others.
The point of a relationship is inner growth.
The path of conscious parenting that I lead my clients on is about creating true connection with themselves and their children, which is ultimately what we all need and are craving! It’s the most fulfilling path that I know, and allows parents and their children to grow like they’ve never imagined was possible.
Are you curious to see what it can do for you and your children?